New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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