I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
