the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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