tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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