This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
