I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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