Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
FUCK WHALES
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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