my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
