your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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