I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
