I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I cut my penus on the lid.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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