dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
