did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
