1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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