i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
