your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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