before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
