my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize