Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
