I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
