He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
