Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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