this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
