she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
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I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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