If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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