i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
