I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
