drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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