My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
