i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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