I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
