my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
