Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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