I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
