there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
