That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Randomize
