apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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