I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
