I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
