Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
