she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
