My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
