apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
