nut hugger
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
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