Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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