Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
