i think i have two assholes
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
