I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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