She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
time to smoke my breakfast
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
