While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
