I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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