I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
