i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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