90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
