i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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